I have a lot of frustrations in my life now, but while we're on it let's just add one more.
Today, I sort of felt old anger coming to a head from someone I never thought I'd get that from. In my previous relationship, I had a boyfriend who would occasionally insult my weight and or my eating habits. He'd make the occasional rude comment that would really hurt my feelings. Keep in mind, he never ate even remotely healthy, exercised or dieted in the four and a half years we were together. It was like, I should maintain a certain appearance, whereas he was exempt from such a thing. As a result, by the time we were broken up, he'd gained at least twenty pounds (I'm being generous here, he probably gained far more) of fat. I never said a thing to him about any of his poor eating habits, or nonexistent diet plan.
Today, my current boyfriend made a comment about how I eat a lot more pasta and carbs then he does, and then sort of seemed to imply that I'm not making enough of an effort to lose weight. That kind of upset me, since I never say anything about his eating habits- and he eats a lot more fast foods than I do. Plus, he is about 100 pounds more than I do. I was like, wow, really? I never say a thing about any of your habits, and he does have poor eating habits. That is kind of unappreciated.
Yes, I know I gained weight since last year when we began dating. I can't look at pictures of myself right now, because I hate how I look right now. No matter what I've weighed, I've never been happy whether it was 106 at my lowest since I was 14 about three years ago, or my highest, currently tipping the scales at 135. No, I'm not happy about that. I feel trapped in my body. I hate looking in the mirror. I almost wish I was pregnant, in a weird way, because at least then there would be some kind of an explanation for weight gain. But even when I have dieted in the past, its made no real difference.
I can't really compare the two guys. I don't think my current boyfriend meant it in a hurtful way that I was eating too much. Maybe he meant it just as more of an observation, but still. It stung. My ex boyfriend used to make somewhat cruel jabs about how much weight i'd gained- for example, he'd pick me up and then ask how much weight i'd been gaining. One time he made me so angry with the comment he made about my appearance, i'd almost broken up with him.
In retrospect, i should have broken up with him. What he put me through was not only the occasionally verbally abusive, hurtful comments, but also emotional abuse, though it never really became physical. But let's not even go there. It's a story I've already repeated one too many times.
Last year, I was able to drop weight only because I only worked three days a week, and actually had the time to go to the gym during the day. Now I am stuck working in the city until after 6. Who knows what reason the office is opened for that late anyway, it's a little dumb if you ask me.Then, I have almost an hour commute home by train. Now I'm looking for a new job, and I'm feeling stress. Stress comes on, so does weight for me.
It's weird, because a few months ago, I felt good about myself. Now I just can't even explain how badly looking in the mirror makes me feel about myself. I don't want to try on clothes from last year, because I think they won't fit. Whenever I've gained weight, Ive always had a lot of trouble losing it.
Maybe time for something drastic. And this is for ME, no one else.
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